I Want a Pastor

Recently a family member of our congregation left because I was not the pastor they always wanted to have. It suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a perfect pastor. If I want to go to a church what kind of pastor I would like to have, this is what I came up with:

I do not like to read, do not take me wrong, I do like books but only if they are read by others, consequently, I would like to be taught. I want a pastor who can teach as Jesus did, not less. Not just a simple 25 minute sermon. I want a pastor who can teach at least 50 minutes and can explain each point with details. I want a pastor who will stop his ideas in order for me to clearly understand. I want a pastor who will never let me think by myself, but always puts his ideas into my mind. I want a pastor who will feed me all the time, and will always; I mean always have the right verse to give me about any subject. I want a pastor who will know the Bible from Genesis to Revelations, to be a living encyclopedia, so I do not have to go and look for it. I want a pastor who will never care if I am learning or not. I want a pastor who can write all the prayers I need to pray for a year, and renew the list on the last month of the year.

I want a pastor who can always have a smile on his face. I want a pastor who will call me everyday to see if I need anything, even money for shopping. I want a pastor who will always be alert to my own needs, at 2:00p.m. or 2:00a.m., and as many times as is needed. I want a pastor who will expect to receive ten or more calls a day from me, even if he takes away time from his own family to give me what I need at that specific moment. I want a pastor who will remember my birthday, my husband’s, my children’s, and our anniversary. I want a pastor who will send us cards for thanksgiving, Christmas, February 14^th, 4^th of July and any time he thinks about us. I want a pastor who can find us a family doctor and dentist to take care of all my needs and my family, free of charge.

I want a pastor who will visit me every week, at the same hour, for the same amount of time. I want a pastor who will ask me only what I want to answer, and who will listen to all my complaints about others. I want a pastor who will never look into my eyes, but always talk to me with respect and fear. I want a pastor who will never ask me for my money, but instead he will give me money from his own wallet. I want a pastor who will always look for my own wellness even before the needs of his own family. I want a pastor who can have his priorities centered on me, then God, his wife and the rest of his family. I want a pastor who can practice loving God and loving me all the time.

I want a pastor who will never ask me to serve; he will serve on my behalf with a happy heart, setting the example he should be for everybody. I want a pastor who will be the one who cleans the church and will never ask me to help him, because, I will not help, at all!. I want a pastor to respect my decision to not get involved in anything the church has to offer, but I want a pastor who will get involved in any activity I host in my household.

I want a pastor who can think the way I think about drinking, dancing, judging or any other subject I do not like to talk about at church, and if he ever doubts my beliefs, I want a pastor who will change his own beliefs so he can be in tune with my own. I want a pastor who will never be offended by any bad attitude I may have, even if I do it on purpose. I want a pastor who will never approach me or even try to say hi to me outside of church.

I want a pastor who will treat my children the way I have always wanted to treat them, with respect. I want a pastor who will discipline my children at church so I do not have to do that at home. I want a pastor who will come and take my children to eat and play so I can go and take care of my own personal business. I want a pastor who will encourage his wife to be nice to me, and to always be available when I call her. I want a pastor who will ask his wife to feed my children, not what she wants to give them, but what they want to have.

I want a pastor who will not react if I leave the church, because eventually I will leave. I want a pastor who will recognize that he was not what I wanted as a minister. I want a pastor who will be willing to change for me, but most of all, I want a pastor who will never ask me to change. I want a pastor who humbly will be willing to receive all the trash I will be talking about him behind his back, and he will ask forgiveness for not understanding my wrong attitudes. I want a pastor who can be my friend, but who can understand that I will not be his, for what reason? I want a pastor, who will know I will be using him for my own selfish desires, and after everything has been said, I want a pastor who can forgive me even if I slap him once, twice or as many times I have the desire to do it.

If, by chance, I find another pastor with better qualifications and better attitudes than the pastor I already have, I want to have the freedom to ask him to resign, no questions about it. I want a pastor to forgive me even before I fire him. I want a pastor to say to me and to the church council, “thank you for teaching me that not all jobs are forever”, and then leave as happy as the first day he came to work. I want a pastor who will understand and accept that all the reason of he leaving is because of him and never because of me. I want a pastor who will even ask us to re-pay any psychological damage he has caused for the horrible job he has done.

When I come to understand the meaning of life at the end of my days, I want a pastor who will leave everything he is doing and come to be with me, serve me and take care of all my physical, spiritual and personal needs until Christ calls me to his presence. Then he will be free to take care of his family, if, and only if, my family does not have any other need.

Oh Lord, who wouldn’t want a pastor?

I Want a Husband......

For almost 12 years I have been trying to understand the relationship I have with my wife, sometimes I wonder what kind of husband she would love to have. After a couple of weeks I have decided what she needs as a spouse. Here is the list:

I want a husband who will take care of me. I want a husband who will know, even before dating, he will be the main provider at home with no question about it, giving me 100% of his income for me to spend it the way I want it. I want a husband who will not question the way I spend the money he gives me. I want a husband who will work even more when all the money to pay bills has gone to pay for things I need: make up, manicure, spa saloons, coffee with friends, and travel. I want a husband who will have the house clean before I arrive at home, even if he needs to wake up early in the morning to do so. I want a husband who will have breakfast for the children, and their lunches ready every morning because I need to rest. I want a husband who will cook gourmet dinners every night, and always be ready if I bring my friends over for appetizers and drinks. I want a husband who will have a warm bucket of water ready every time I arrive at home so I can soak my feet. I want a husband who will be ready to give me a full and intense massage while I eat and watch my favorite T.V. series, and of course to give up the remote control for me to handle it.

I want a husband who will think the best of me, always, even when I am cranky. I want a husband who will encourage me to study so I can get a better job than the one he has. I want a husband who will never feel less, knowing of course, I am much better. I want a husband who will quite down in order for me to start talking. I want a husband who will spend his hunting money on buying me flowers every week. I want a husband that knowing I am tired will wash by hand my clothing, iron it, fold it and neatly put it away. Knowing that I deserve it, I want a husband who will clean the house conscientiously the way I like it.

I want a husband who will be an excellent listener, always paying attention to every word I say, even if it is about criticizing the neighbor. I want a husband who will turn the T.V. off in order to listen to my complaints, and screams.
I want a husband who will always stop to ask directions, and for him to recognize he gets lost because of his own unwise decisions. I want a husband who will tell me what I want to hear and not of what he is thinking. I want a husband who will always say yes to all my requests with no hesitation whatsoever.

I want a husband who can be a great lover, someone who can be available and willing every time I want to be intimate with him. I want a husband who will never want to have sex with me if he sees me tired. I want a husband who will place my needs as a woman before his own needs. I want a husband who will keep himself in excellent condition all the time, just because he wants to please me. I want a husband who will maintain a six pack torso and 1% body fat. My pleasure will be first, more than any other needs in his life.

I want a husband who will be a nanny for our children, not because I want him to be like that, but because he has always dreamed it. I want a husband who can buy clothing for them, who will know their sizes and favorite colors. I want a husband who will be willing to leave work to come and help our children with their homework, and when they are done, he can go back to work. I want a husband who will never contradict me when I talk, who will recognize his mistakes in front of all my friends. I want a husband who will say “I am sorry honey” every time he doesn’t do what I ask him to do.

If, by chance, I find another husband who has better characteristics and a better profile that the one I have now, I want a husband who will understand my decision to leave him, so I can make the best choice for my own life. I want a husband that will not claim anything. He will go back to living by himself and he will be willing to give me the house and the saving account with no hesitation, so I can re-start my life. I want a husband who will leave me alone and never get in contact with me.

When my life is almost over, I want a husband who will take me to all the places I have always wanted and dreamed to go, with no limitations.

Oh my! Who wouldn’t want a husband?